Baby’s first step, first hair cut, first words, first tooth. These are all moments that we as parents relish. We WAIT for these moments and even commemorate them in brag books, scrap books, and video diaries. They are signifiers of time, milestones in our childrens growth and development both physical and psychological. “Experts” even have gone as far as to pinpoint at what ages you can expect to see such firsts….. just another example of a bunch of bullshit to make moms feel bad or as though they’re child is abnormal. You know normal mommy injustices.
So, yes, these firsts are quite darling and make for a really cute picture… but if you know me, you know I’m all about commiseration of shit.
So, let’s talk about all the other FIRSTS. The ones that happen to EVERYONE but rarely have a cute accompanying picture in a brag book or nary a mention in all of those “How To Parent” bullshit books….. you can run but you can’t hide from…
1.The First Time Your Baby Chooses DADDY Over YOU
You can’t believe it. The same child you sacrificed your whole body for. The same child, for many of us, whose mouth has been stuck to your tit since birth. The same child YOU got up with in the middle of the night a BILLION times to rock and hush and hold in order to lull back to sleep… you feel betrayed and hurt… you can’t really understand it….who the hell is this miniature TRAITOR!?
Don’t feel bad, your baby is just now old enough now to think beyond survival. She wants what’s new, whats novel and right now, it’s Dad. Be proud! You have made her feel safe and secure for so long, she finally feels okay getting the fuck away from you!! Don’t be a dummy, GET OUT BY YOURSELF! As a matter of fact, RUN. Go get a mani/pedi for fuck’s sake. And don’t worry, as soon as she feels tired/sick/bad she’ll be right back up your ass and you be wishing for another Daddy moment.
Looks cute now but at the time, you kinda wanna punch ’em both in the face…
2.Your child’s first BLOODY Injury
You don’t really realize just how this moment is going to effect you until it happens. There ARE a couple of words that pop in to my mind though, like TERROR, PANIC and SEVERE DURESS. Of course you suspected at some point this would happen, but to see your child bloody in any way for the first time can throw you for quite a doozy. It usually happens one of two ways. You got your classic:
“Fall On The Face Unintentional Lip Bite”
And your oh, so popular:
“I’m Running Before I Can Even Really Walk, So I Completely Scraped The Skin Off Both Knees Fall”.
The first one is a little bit of a harsher ‘Mommy Haze’ because face cuts bleed A LOT. The actual laceration may be no bigger then a grain of rice yet it bleeds like their fucking arm got chopped off. This was MY first encounter with The Bloody Injury…… NIGHTMARE.
My husband couldn’t even handle it — I turned to him for some kind of something but he was already running away, his hands clutching each side of his head in sheer horror …
“Wow, thanks a lot guy”
Looking back at this experience now, it must have actually appeared quite comical to an onlooker.
When you finally wipe enough blood away to find out where the hell the cut is, it’s almost always tiny and on the inside of the lip thanks to those cute little sharp ass teeth you were so proud finally came in. Don’t fret though, one tissue and a tight pincer grip on the affected lip and off they go to do it again.
“The Knee Mangle” is fun too. Especially if its on a gravelly surface. It’s a run, a slide, and a scream as you watch little red spots seep through their pants. This is also commonly accompanied by the double bloody palm. Yup lovely.
This injury was so common with my first daughter she literally had overlapping knee scabs from age 2-4. I wondered when I finally saw skin on her knees if it would look normal or just be all scar tissue. Well, I survived it, as did she, (who of two of us is more traumatized, I can’t be sure) and she has totally normal knees now at age 6.
Even when it was happening on practically a daily basis I still took comfort in seeing one of my favorite children’s books “The Me Book” illustrate the fact that yes,
“Knees are for….Lots of Bandages”
The ME Book by Jean Tymms
Look familiar? Not the elephant part… just the knee part.. although…….
3. First Stomach Bugmouths…
Now, if your kid is over one and you still haven’t dealt with this, consider yourself DAMN LUCKY.
You know, there are people you may have known, or have seen on TV that have been around a dead body. Well, I myself haven’t but I have heard the same thing come out of several people’s
“You never forget that smell...”
That may be true, because after you’ve had The Pukies invade your home, you are changed. It’s pretty fucking devastating and it all comes on so fast! Like a goddamn sneak attack. You’re playing with your child and suddenly they get this weird look on their face… you haven’t quite seen it before. It’s like ouchie mixed with fear and urgency and then…..
They just run right ‘atcha!
You don’t know what to do so you do what’s natural, you extend your arms out to them… only to be met with a disgusting blast of food, mucous and bile all over your chest, sometimes your hair, and even sometimes your face. And the smell… When I tell you, NOTHING …. NOTHING is more vomit inducing then the smell of the stomach bug puke, I’m seriously getting queasy just conjuring it up in my mind. And it does not stop. A sip of water, a bucket of puke, a sip of water, a bucket of puke…Now if you thought THAT was bad, wait ’till it starts coming out of their ass. Always a light color, the “sick shit” can never be mistaken for any other diarrhea — it’s signature, is unique. The bug is usually only a 24 hour thing but you will wash more laundry in that 24 hours then in all the laundry you’ve done since their birth….and you and your house will reek looong after the bug has left.
I ALWAYS SAY, I’ll take a three day fever over a one day stomach bug no doubt about it. At least with a regular fever, they just want to lay around and be pampered, that I can handle…. oh, and did I mention, in about 12 hours, you’ll have it too?
Yup, this’ll be you! Only difference? No one will give a rat’s ass.
4.Baby’s First Shoplift
So there you are, once again with the stroller in the baby supply store (it seems the only place you go to nowadays) and you’re browsing around. Your kid is fussing and being snarky so you hand them some kind of knick-knack to keep him quiet. You pick up a couple of pairs of socks, maybe some bibs and some kind of feeding contraption that looks really fucking cool but turns out to be yet another useless piece of shit that you feel guilty about chucking. (Why did I do that again???) You pay for your stuff get half way home only to realize you kid has sill got that $5.00-$10.00 knick-knack in his slimy little drooly hands… SHIT! What do you do?? Do you go back? He already drooled all over it and now they’ll just make you buy it…
Why didn’t they see it in the store and stop me???
Why didn’t I notice??
Aww, fuck it. You feel embarrassed at first but then weirdly, soon after, you’re chuckling as you tell daddy about the “hot” rattle your boy “lifted” from the store.
Then there’s also the first time you’re in the same store, but your kid is a bit older now, and you make your purchase only to get home and realize that your son has a toy in his hand that you didn’t give him to keep him quiet!! He just went ahead and plucked it from somewhere quietly without alerting even you…..!!
Don’t worry, he’s not destined for a life of crime, besides, it only takes ONE time of him setting off the store alarm before he learns his lesson of “You can’t just take thing from the store!” and your lesson of checking the damn stroller before you leave!!
Can he work on the chain gang if he can’t walk yet?
5. Baby’s First Playground Pummel
This is my final first. Not because I don’t have a MILLION more, but because nap time’s almost over.
So you’re in the playground AGAIN watching as your kids crawls, wobbles or stomps through every dirty puddle she can find, completely disregarding any and all equipment specifically designed to engage her. Finally choosing the nastiest puddle, she stops. Up comes another cute little girl around the same age equally drawn to the same disgusting puddle. You turn to see her mother approach and smile.
“Say hello to the little other girl sweety!!” you say to your kid who is looking a little peeved about being muscled off of this particular dirt she so rightfully found first!! Before you can say “parallel play” all you hear is ‘WHAP!!’ and now the the other little girl is holding her head crying!
Wait, what??? Did that just fucking happen???
You are beyond mortified. The other mother has long since swept her daughter up asking her if she’s okay, all the while giving you the most disapproving sideways glare you’ve ever gotten.
“NO!” you say to your way-too-satisfied-looking-spawn,
“That is NOT NICE! We DO NOT HIT!!!”
You look at the other mother, your face is flushed with embarrassment
o sorry,” you say.
“She has never done that before!” you say.
By now, the other mom is giving you the “That’s okay” thing which really means “Nice devil child you have there, HUMPH!!” and walks away.
You’re still kind of aghast, and to make matters worse, any attempt you make to try and get her to apologize is met with crossed arm obstinacy.
What have I done wrong?!? you think…
Was it the time Daddy roughhoused with her??
Or the time I accidentally let her watch Tom and Jerry???
You don’t know this at the time, but pushing, shoving, hitting and grabbing is pretty commonplace in the playground and that soon enough you’ll be handling these little scuffs in stride, with a little ‘no, no, nooo..’ or time-out, or whatever, it all works itself out…
For now though, like an insane person, you’ve just spent three hours on line googling “child+violent+urges” or “hitting+child” and have convinced yourself that you have made some GRANDIOSE parenting mistake, unintentionally turning your kid in to a mini Muhammad Ali.
So, remember, you may not want to remember them, but it’s these shitty firsts that help us keep it all in perspective!
Just like that first step, if it hasn’t happened yet, it will.
Just as a first step teaches a child to walk, a first round of The Pukies teaches YOU to turn them AWAY from your FACE.