So, I often try to share somewhat relatable, mostly embarrassing “Have you ever..” posts with you guys, and from what I’ve found… I’m not alone. It seems, no matter how diverse our parenting styles may be, where we’re from, or what we believe in, there’s still that one thing that connects us all….
…BOOZE.
Ha! Gotcha’ bitches. And when I say ‘gotcha’, I’m immediately inclined to say, ‘SphincterSaysWut??’…but today, I’ll refrain.
What I REALLY think is, that we all possess this totally encompassing, HUMAN ELEMENT. It’s really something that’s so BASIC…so UNDENIABLE….
“Stop all the Bullshitting and get to the fucking point already, bitch” you may be thinking…
Ok. Well, here it is. We all…
…….do weird ass shit that we think no one else does.
We do it, we don’t admit it.
It’s almost as though we revert back to some ancient, childhood
“Cookie Jar Complex”.
“Nope, not me…”
“Are you kidding me???”
“I would NEVER!!!”
But we fucking do.
Listen, I ‘ain’t hatin’ now. I mean, that shit’s personal! It’s embarrassing. Potentially incriminating, or at the very least, diary worthy………. blackmail worthy.
I mean, why should we?? Until your farting in the bed with a motherfucker, nobody needs to KNOW. Word.
Tonight, (perhaps because of booze) Imma be all vulnerable and shit. Now, some of you may say about certain ones, “No shit, bitch”, but some of these, just may hit home.
Y’know….
deep down in the IUD.
Oh yes I did.
Sooooo…HERE, in all it’s shame, I PRESENT/EXPOSE to y’all:
PARANTHOOD’S TOP TEN LIST OF:
“HAVE YOU EVER…? YEAH, ME NEITHERs.”
1. Have you ever, not showered for more than three days…?
Yeah, me neither.
2. Have you ever pulled a tampon outta yer cooch, and pulled out TWO (or more) instead…?
Yeah, me neither.
3. Thought about a life without kids…?
Yeah, me neither.
4. Have you ever gotten hemorrhoids from pregnancy, and then lied about it to another Mom…?
Yeah, me neither.
5. While having sex with your spouse, have you ever fantasized that it was with someone else instead…?
OMG! ME NEITHER!! I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, HOW DARE YOU EVEN SUGGEST THAT!!??!
6. Have you ever felt like the only bitch at the playground at 6:15 AM…?
Yeah, me neither.
7. Do you put deodorant between your tits…?
Yeah, me neither.
8. Have you ever wanted to sew your MIL’s lips together like in a fucking Saw movie just to shut her the fuck up…?
Yeah, me neither. *trying not to smirk* Moving on…
9. Have you ever skirted another mother at a b-day party/bake sale/playground/whatever, not because you didn’t like her, but because you were just being all weird and hermity…?
Yeah, me neither.
10. Have you ever just about flipped your shit between being the tutor, the cook, the maid, the homemaker, the ass wiper, the lesson teacher, the ass swatter, the boo boo kisser, the shoe tier, the “Learn How To Tie Your Shoe” teacher….. the Advocate….THE MOM? ** So you pour yourself a glass, or two… or three, of whatever and just said FUCK THIS SHIT……?????
Yeah….
…me neither.
So, let’s all breathe a sigh of relief, and be grateful that none of us have EVER been subjected to these moments we’d rather all forget… not that they happened to us or anything….
right???
Takin’ the H outta wHine…. ❤
**by “MOM” I mean dad, g-ma, or whoever. Now get your panties outta yer ass.
PaRANThood 
i have never put it under on #7, NEVER 😉 lol, love your blog lady!
Woo! I can relate to a few of those… And a few others that weren’t there. But I will never admit it! Bwahahaha!
With the exception of tampons…did every fucking one of them. No shame here. I gave birth to kids and they drive me insane, as shown by my actions. PS – old lady boob sweat smell is not pleasant. Deoderize those girls regularly.
OMG! Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh! Happy New Year 🙂