Monthly Archives: May 2012


“It’s not FAIR!”

No other words rattle around the rooms of my home as often as these three do.  From sibling to sibling and back again it’s like heretical head lice.  Not only hard to get rid of, but one of the most dissident childhood whines of them all.  If it had ears, it would only be so that it’s fingers could plug them while it’s big fat fucking mouth shouted:


It’s spit fiercely from small mouths, this threadbare yammering of “IT’S NOT FAIR!”,  and it isn’t intended to be some “Sibling Declaration of War” as much as it’s intended to be a fugazi “Cry for Justice”,  hopefully reaching tall enough to grate upon the eardrums of any and all household higher-ups… namely: YOU.

It’s the tired ass tattletale of a child begging their parents to jump up and suddenly swath themselves in the cloaks of justice, string around their necks the whistles of refs, and come running to set shit straight by restoring all fairness to the world…and by “world”, I mean playroom… and by “fairness”, I mean in their fucking favor. 

But you protest:

“Being fair is good.”  

“Being fair is RIGHT!”  

And that’s when I say:

“Being fair is imfuckingpossible.”

Listen, accomplishing “fairness” between siblings is assuming that siblings are the same. Of the same mind, of the same body.  Identical ages, identical feelings, identical needs……. SHIT, even IDENTICAL TWINS don’t work that way.  Not to mention, you know what happens when you ASS U ME.

Kids AREN’T THE SAME and it’s subtly proven every time you say things like:

“No little one, you can’t ‘have a bike toooooooo’ because you can’t even STAND ON ONE FOOT YET… like, at all.


“She gets to sit in my lap because she’s still little and you’re not!  You want me to put a goddamn diaper on you too??

Sound familiar?  Sound frustrating?  Sound ENDLESS?  
Well, it is.

It’s ENDLESS because as you’ve learned by getting shit on in one way or another….LIFE IS, UNFUCKINGFAIR.  This is a piece of valuable knowledge that can only be gained by life experience... something children have NONE OF.

There’s cute techniques of course, that try to assist you in bringing equality to your kids lives.  You got that whole “I cut, you choose” shit, but really, it only works on limited levels of sibling life, mostly involving slices of cake, peanut butter sandwiches, and lengths of lanyard. Out of all of these types of sayings, the only one that is at all useful in my opinion is “You get what you get and you don’t get upset.” I use this often because basically, it’s a cutesy, rhyming way of saying:“Tough shit.” Right. Up. My. Alley.

When it comes to dispelling the myth of fairness, what’s a parent to do?

Well, here’s MY solution:

I think that it’s more productive to point out all the unfairness of the world that happens to us as adults on a daily basis because even though I’ve TOLD my kids that  “Life is Unfair” (about a fofillion times),  the looks on their skeptical mini-faces tell me, they aint really buyin’ it.


Go ahead, tell them that that lady just got a free coffee ’cause the coffee man thinks she’s prettier than the lady in front of her… the one he just  OVER charged.

Tell them that that Sarah Mclachlan bitch is pissed because wretched people treat animals like shit and don’t spay and neuter their pets like Bob Barker told ’em to……(God rest his ‘Come on DOOOWN’ soul.)

Tell them that rich kids have more shit than they do because they’re rich, but that they sit ho
me and cry because their iPads can’t tickle ’em till they fart like YOU do.

Tell them that Grandma’s not here because she died and even though it sucks,  death is a part of life.  Tell them you KNOW it’s unfair that they don’t have a grandma now, and tell them it’s even MORE unfair to YOU who doesn’t have a MOM.

Tell them whatever the fuck you want, just don’t be afraid to let them know that not getting their way is important to experience because…

C’est la vie, c’est la guerre, life is unfuckingfair.