Did you know that the male hippopotamus will helicopter his tail so as to frantically spew piss and shit in all directions just to get the attention of a female? Although I think that if my three year old had a tail, she would do this just for fun, I don’t think my husband doing this would get him a piece of ass. Well, not a human piece of ass anyway.
As segues go, there may be none so poignant as those that include the phrase “a human piece of ass” so let me not waste too many moments entertaining delicate inferences. It’s Nitty Gritty time…
for a fucking HIPPO maybe..
Different male species in the animal kingdom do a wide and weird variety of shit in order to gain the admiration of their female counterparts, but in my house, it is I who calls the shots.
It is I who lets my Hippopot…. I mean Husband know when he needs to show the fuck UP with the intention of going DOWN.
“How do I do this?” you ask.
“How do I release pheromones that swish around my sexy ass like Pepe Le Pew’s smoky trail of stinky swagger?”
Well, you ladies are goddamn lucky because tonight, I’m gonna share with you my:
Top Three Ways To Get Your Man’s Tongue Wagging Like A Wolf At A Pig Roast:
1. The Dunkin’ Druck Lip: What’s better then a drunk bitch? A drunk bitch that’s your wife! Not only are all the strings already attached so there’s nothing new to remember, but you even get to wake up in your own bed…what could be a better combo with getting LAID than THAT??
Winner winner drunk wife for dinner.
Now, don’t get offended here because I said “drunk bitch“. Truth be told, by drunk bitch I really meant “sloppy vixen”, and by that, I meant sensual fox.
**Tip** Be sure to apply a coat of turquoise eyeshadow (Wet ‘n Wild makes a perfect cheap piece of shit one) and a garish lip color preferably in the coral family (Wet ‘n Wild makes a perfect cheap piece of shit one) in order to accentuate a slutty peacock effect. If the contorted orange duck lip doesn’t get ’em, the glistening jewel-toned flash of your one dippy eyelid WILL. You may not know it, but that pile of empty beer bottles on the table may look just like a pile of empty beer bottles on the table, but to your man, it spells “F R E A K Y”.
Go on! Cluck around and strut your shit because you are a creature to behold.
And you will be held
All the fuck over…
And it’ll be great…
You might not remember everything, but hey…
Had sex, doesn’t matter.
What husband doesn’t wanna see THIS when he gets home???
2. Shave Your Shit And Smell Sweet: My husband knows that when he opens the door as I step out of the fucking shower, and lets a shit load of COLD AIR in to the bathroom, he should DIE, but because I’m lenient in the murder department, I allow him a fair amount of time to escape before shanking him with my BIC. In that time, the crafty fellow will most likely spy with his perverted eye, a shaved putty tat.
Now I may or may not do this whole “shave thing” often, but the fact is: It DOES Happen.
Combine the knowledge that his woman is shorn with the scent of… well with the scent of..
fuck it, I confess, I just added the “Smell Sweet” part for the sake of alliteration in the title….
It doesn’t matter though because, shaving your shit alone is enough to have your man excited enough to stay in on a Saturday night savoring the subtle smoothness of your shaved sexy parts. So you see, shaving is sure to set the scene for seriously steamy seduction. ..
Sorry, couldn’t help throwing in some more shameless alliteration… suck it.
Don’t usually get a WHOLE BUBBLE BATH, but shit gets done.
3. I Dream Of G-Strings: Yeah, I know pajama jeans are fucking comfortable… I know your period panties is where it’s at. Sometimes though, to be the alpha bitch, you gotta bite the bullet and dress up your bulgy parts. Albiet it a necessity, it still is the “sure win” of the three, never failing to “woo” where the others may not.
So what if it’s a pair of old beige knee highs?
Got a semi-tight mumu? Cut some strategic holes in that shit.
As Prince would say, “You don’t have to be rich, to be a whore.“….
…or some shit like that.
Bottom line? It doesn’t take fancy lingerie to to be the MacGyver of G-strings, just some desperate ingenuity.
If he can have a haircut like THAT, he can do ANYTHING!
Now do you think those three are easily topped? Well, they ARE.
Simply COMBINE ALL THREE for the most outrageous night you could ever have with a man you didn’t meet at the circus! You’ll be slurring his name so loud, the neighbors’ll be peeping in windows sayin’ prayers and shit.
So y’all, what’ll it be…?
Wet ‘n Wild in the bedroom with some bud and a bustier?
Or a husband, spewing piss and shit in helicopter fashion?
Bang a gong.
Get it on bitches!!