This is a topic that’s close to my motherfuckin’ heart. I love it because it begs repeating generation after generation. It’s a little bit “Poor me” and a little bit “Poor you” and although there’s a timelessness to it, it has modern day dickery plugged in to all the right places. It’s basically a free pass to be a crabby bastard just because someone’s considered “old”. Now when I say “old”, I’m really referring to someone who’s at an age where a bunch of shit they grew up with is obsolete. Fortunately, and UNfortunately for me, technology is moving so fast, I can actually claim “Old Lady Status” at the tender age of thirty-go-fuck-yourself-it’s-none-of-your-goddamn-business.
So without further adieu, I shall stop wanking words around and get the fuck to it.
Hand me my rocking chair.
Thanks, Sonny.
Let me start by taking y’all on a trip to the late 70’s early 80’s, the era of my childhood, and probably yours too….
Come, hop on the Great Space Coaster and pop open a Tab, ’cause we’re off to the times of cassette singles and brown corduroy Alll. Day. Long. When the streets were sleazy and the shoplifting’ was easy. When kids were scrappy and didn’t take pills to be happy.
Oh snap, yeah, I just said that.
Either you know it… or you don’t.
This was a time when the biggest “class” was straight up the middle. There were no labels on clothes and Converse had laces. At the age of 7 you ran with a pack of kids whose names you didn’t all know, and like a feral cat, you climbed any tree you could find and dangled your knobby legs over limbs Too. Damn. High. You knew you’d better be ready to take on any fucking dare chucked your way, lest look like a pussy and be eaten alive. The camaraderie with your fellow feral friends was simple; it balanced on a sharp stake of which only pussies were impaled. (bonus points to anyone who caught that Lord of the Flies reference…) You’d come home each day with blackened fingernails, bloody knees, and always, ALWAYS rocked a motherfuckin’ dirt mustache.
Aww, what’sa matter Piggy? Broke yer glasses??
If you were late to come home, your mother would beat your ass before sending you out for a carton of cigarettes or maybe something alcoholic. Dinners were from a family pack of drumsticks, or a tin foil covered TV dinner. You ate it off your metal Dukes of Hazard TV tray, targeting the little compartment of the peach cobbler FIRST. OJ came sliding out of frozen cans in orange fucking cylinders. The word McDonald’s was synonymous with fancy, and you’d get real glass Star Wars tumblers with every Happy Meal.
‘Member these? I do.
Both boy’s and girl’s hair was winged, styled by the goddamn wind itself, because no matter where you were, or who you were with, you were RUNNING.
Running from those bastards on the other team in “Capture the Flag.”
Running so you weren’t the “Rotten Egg”.
Running from the dude in the candy store where you just shoved a bunch of Bazookas in your motherfucking pocket….
Damn, I LOVED those mini-comics…
How fucking weird.
You watched TV on Saturday mornings because that’s pretty much the only time cartoons were on. You dug for decoder rings in cereal boxes. Even in all this ‘wildness’, you still read books, made intricate Lite Brite and Etch-A-Sketch masterpieces, and wove potholders for everyfuckingbody on little plastic looms.
You had focus and didn’t even know it. You were driven by outdoor play and so the worst punishments were the ones that kept you
indoors. It was the same as being chained to a radiator, or getting stuck in a bear trap… you’d chew off your goddamn foot just to play until dusk.
indoors. It was the same as being chained to a radiator, or getting stuck in a bear trap… you’d chew off your goddamn foot just to play until dusk.
Call of the motherfucking Wild (bonus points to anyone who caught that Jack London reference).
Even still.. like a BOSS! This is mine. True Story.
NOW, fast forward to today. Instead of running around, kids just wander around with their noses shoved into handheld gaming devices like dogs with each other’s asses. Bragging to their friends about “Leveling Up” but can’t for the life of them “Put ‘Em Up” even if their Pokemon cards depended on it.
They run through war zones, defeating opponents with hand to hand combat in the virtual world of video games like a fucking BOSS, yet whine helplessly if they have to get their asses off the couch to find the remote. If they ever do run, it’s to GameStop to preorder the newest version of ‘World of Whateverthefuck’.
Little girls are duped by marketers to worship stupid ass pop stars and configure their painted-nailed fingers into heart signs and peace signs but have no clue how many sides are on a fucking STOP SIGN. Raised by Disney, and dressed by Sketchers, they know a million and one abbreviations for words and phrases they can’t even fucking spell.
‘Peace!… and texting…and doing shit like this shit with my fingers.
Images are fast, fads are fast, and food is fast. Mix all that shit up with the quick fix pill mentality of today and what do we see? Skyrocketing diagnoses of such afflictions as ADD, ADHD, and Diabetes. I’m NOT discounting such conditions, nor am I calling them illegitimate…. I’m simply begging the question: When is the last time Johnny climbed a tree? Played a sport? Dug a hole in the dirt with a stick…? A REAL hole, with a REAL stick??
I’m not judging, I’m just pointing some shit out. Like I said in the beginning, the same children I’m calling “soft” today may be like the motherfucking Rambos compared to the generation coming up. And in turn, I bet my Granny would like to punch me in the fucking face if she read all the shit I just said here! She’s probably spit in my eye and ask me if I knew what is was like to live through a World War AND be a goddamn immigrant.
and then.. I felt like a dick.
To Granny, even in my brown corduroy glory, dirt mustache and all……
I’m still just One. Big Pussy.
I’ll gladly pay you tomorrow, for a hamburger today.
PaRANThood 
have i told you lately how much i fucking love you? well i do. 🙂
Even though I am a bit younger I LOVE LOVE this rant. People sit around these days and bitch and complain about society’s youth and how horribly lazy they are when it’s the damn parents fault for buying their kids all that electronic crap that paralyzes their kids into a stupor for hours. When I was a kid we refused to go home until the street lights came on, and only then because we knew we would get an ass-whoopin if we were not home in time! People need to wake up and take responsibility for their lazy, snot-nosed brats and stop blaming everyone and everything else but themselves!!
AMEN!!!!!
I like your thinking
Sad, funny and true all at once!!
Yes! Yes! And Yes! When your middle name meant you were in trouble, and your last name meant you wouldn’t be outside for a couple days if ever…
I hear where you are coming from; I GET where you are coming from and I TOTALLY agree except my parents didn’t send me out for cigs or alcohol & we sat at the dinner table…and I think that’s the one thing you are missing…kids RESPECTED their parents; wish I could share your post, but the language is offensive in my public social circles ~ there is a time and place for it & when you are trying to get your point across, I think you would be taken more seriously by more people if the language was more respectful to a broader group 🙂
I am younger than you, but still at the age of 21, I can not get over the children these days. They are spoild and have no imagination. I have a few nieces who wanted tablets(I do not even own one) for Christmas and of course they got but I told my brother “ya know what Raelynn(my 8 month old baby girl) is going to get gor Christmas, a jump rope and some tennis shoes”. He looked at me and said “yeah right” I say to the hell with making yet another spoiled brat, I am going to raise a fun, outgoing, and creative child who hates being inside!!!
My cildhood to a tee! Best be home before the street lights came on or get your ass whooped with whatever was in reach, we hated to be indoors. We could play nintendo for a few mins before bed.
True True!! Amen girl!!!
Although I’m a little younger (30).. I absolutely remember the days when we could run wild and free in the neighborhood as long as we respected the adults and were home when the street lights came on!! The word chore was synonymous with play time!! We played baseball and football in the streets without worrying about being run over!! And we knew better than to throw a tantrum in public cause we’d get our asses worn out in public and our parents and grandparents didn’t care who saw it and no one ever said anything anyway!! Now I look at these kids today and can’t do anything but shake my head at the way they are either lazy, disrespectful, rude, nosy hell most of the time they are all the above!! I can’t help but wonder at some of these kids nowadays!! I can’t help how other parents raise their kids but mine has manners and is respectful cause he knows if he’s not he’ll get punished!! Yes he plays video games but he also gore’s outside and runs around and plays and still does his homework!!! If it didn’t kill me then out won’t kill him!!!
sorry but this is legend hahaha.. and no i dont find ur language offensive at all!! xx
Makes me miss my childhood… because it was full of everything you mentioned!! Especially having to climb every tree!! I would love to have a great tree in the yard for my boys to climb…
This is by far the funniest thing I have ever read!I just read it 3 seperate times to 3 different family members as well as shared it on my FB page!
The sad this is that it’s not just the kids that are like this. Their parents are the ones that aren’t making the effort to keep their kids away from technology. You shouldn’t have to force a kid to go outside, but the last kids I babysat wanted to stay in and watch TV or play a video game half the time. I really don’t understand it, and I’ve promised myself a thousand times that when I have kids, they will know the movies and shows and game that I grew up on (not the utter crap from today’s world) and they won’t get their first cell phone (and by that I mean smart phone or whatever it will be called however many years from now) until they’re in high school. One of my dad’s friends got his five-year-old kid a smart phone because it was buy one get one free. Just… no. I honestly feel bad for these kids, and I hope the parenting of the next generation will be better. Great post! I feel your pain.
Amen!