I’m The Bitch Of The World!!!

Remember that movie “Titanic”?  Well, even if you were doing something more important with your life in the year 1997, like mourning the death of Biggie Smalls, or perfecting the art of collar poppin’, and you missed the boat on that movie, I’m sure, at the very least, you’re familiar with that famous scene.  

You know… THE SCENE…..   Let me remind you: 

It’s the part when that “Home Alone” kid is hella excited to first be on the dumb boat.  He runs up to the front and starts squealing so pre-pubescently high that dolphins jump in to goddamn tunafish cans just to escape it.  He then steps on to the very front part of the boat and spreads his arms out super wide (like how you wish your kid did when you asked them how much they love you but they never fucking do)  and then… he does it… 

With a grin that would make the Kool Aid Pitcher Dude kick rocks, and wind-feathered hair so flaxen gold, it put Farrah Fawcett to shame, he shouts the now iconic phrase: 


And there it is…..

Now, I don’t know if that “Saved By The Bell” kid won an Oscar for his part in that movie, and I don’t really give a shit, all I DO know is that THAT MOMENT for me, was contagious.  

There was this EXPLOSION of self-confidence, and joy so abundantly flowing from the splayed fingertips of that “Full House” kid that I found myself flinging MY ARMS out too!** 

**This led me to accidentally smash the girl’s face seated next to me, which unfortunately resulted in a buttered popcorn brawl, subsequently getting my ass kicked out of the theater altogether and thus preventing me from ever finding out what happened to that stupid boat… 

My point is, I didn’t NEED to see anymore of that film because for the five bones I spent on the movie ticket, I walked around with three days worth of dolphin-ear-errupting confidence, periodically shouting “I’M THE BITCH OF THE WORLD!!!” and smashing random folks’ faces with flung out arms!  Now, you can’t buy THAT kind of happiness even with a million dollars!! 

I tell you, if that “Silver Spoons” kid were here right now, I’d probably make out with him for gifting me with such a spectacular moment…. and then ask to ride that really cool fucking train he’s got in his house… that little rich snot nosed shit.

Yeah, like you really need more presents you spoiled bastard.

Since that movie, or the first part at least, I’ve been trying to figure out ways to recreate the same energy and joy I felt pulse through me fifteen long years ago, and so far I’ve discovered that although being covered in baby shit is NOT one of them, certain other aspects of babies as well as kids themselves ARE!  

Below is a list of 
Shit That Kids Do, Which Makes My Ass Go ALL TITANIC:

1.  Being born.  What else makes you feel like a Super Hero more then exuding a whole other human body out of your own?!?  You can keep your useless clear jet, Wonder Woman, I have people to create!!!  Guess what Dr. Frankenstein, you didn’t actually make anyone dipshit, you just sewed together a bunch of body parts from some preexisting dead people and even THEN you couldn’t “make” a person nearly as cute as my fucking creation!!  Yeah, that moment, right after having a baby….. TITANIC.

Aww, he looks just like… like… well, like that fucking dude that died last week….! Not. Cute.

2.  First REAL”I Love You” Hug.  Let’s face it.  Babies for the most part, are ungrateful little turds.  Their EXTREME neediness tends to accentuate this, complied with the fact that they’re fucking MUTE for quite a while.  Sleepless nights, backbreaking days and more spilled body fluids than a public bathroom.  These times, when you’re soaking in sweat and tit milk feel ENDLESS…. even at times useless.
“Why why WHY am I doing this?!?!” you shudder… 
“WHAT FOR?!?!” you cry…

Well, that moment when your toddler, oozing with snot and bumbling around bumping in to shit, scales the couch, plops down next to you, wraps their mini-arms 1/4 way around your still baby-weighted body, and in a true Mickey Mouse style voice says loudly: 


I’m sure you’re remembering this moment right now… and smiling… because you know you were all…

Even a hug and “I love you” from THIS is a TITANIC moment.

3.  Kick Ass Parent/Teacher Meeting.  This is about as far as I got on the list because my kids are still fairly young.  I’m sure more will be added as I trudge through this journey of shit stains, pissed beds and BFFs but for now, this is the last but by far NOT the least of the list.  

Just as #2 is payback for all the baby torture we endure, THIS moment is payback for toddler torture.  You know all those “Please”s and “Thank You”s and “May I”s and “Alphabet Song”s and “Counting Fingers” and “You Have To SHARE!”s and “Clean-Up Song”s and “Wait For Your Turn”s and “Follow Direction”s you repeated so many fucking times you’ve lost count? Your toddler barely heeds you as they Tasmanian Devil right past your ass destroying room after room.  
You are the ‘Rainman of Manners’ — they are your opponent in the ring.  
You are the referee of the playground — they are in UFC mode.  
You wonder if serial killers are just born that way, or if you are somehow fucking something up… and you just don’t know it yet.
They grow a bit, they start school, they challenge you differently.  Not less, just differently…  
You walk in to your first parent/teacher meeting with a hockey mask on ready to deflect insults spit like fucking pucks at your face and then…

“Oh, she’s SO GREAT with the other kids!”  
“He’s really gotten in to the spirit of helping!”  
“Your child is a wonderful addition to the class!” 
“Whatever you’re doing at home, keep it up!”

You cannot BELIEVE it but something you’ve done must’ve stuck!

First three thoughts?  
1. You know who I am right??
2. Am I being Punk’d right now?
3. Fucking TITANIC.

For many, this is what we feel like upon entering our first Parent/Teacher conference….

Annnnnnd there you have it folks!  So do some shoulder rolls, because even though they don’t happen often, when they do, you wanna be prepared to NOT tear a rotator cuff as you fling out your arms while shouting:



3 thoughts on “I’m The Bitch Of The World!!!

  1. Thank you for that, it was awesome. There will definitely be more of those TITANIC moments. My daughter has given me my first grandchild and I never thought the moments could be better but the first time he said “MeeMaw, I wav you” almost made me have a heart attack. Awesome blog, thanks again for taking me back to those days for a visit, they were the best and worst of my life and I wouldn’t change a minute of any of them.

  2. Are serial killers are just born that way, or if you are somehow fucking something up? I still ask myself this everyday, and my baby is 14! Kept me interest through out, just to see if you would call Leo the kid from ‘What’s eating gilbert grape’ and smiled all the way.

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