A few days ago I tried to break up with my period. Maybe it was stupid to do it via email (and a little tacky too) but I had just HAD it!!! ‘Cept, now I don’t know what the fuck to do… here’s our correspondence, tell me what you think….
This is kind of awkward for me, and I’m not even really sure what words to use. You know I’ve always said I only wanted two kids right? Well now I have them and I do realize I couldn’t have done it without you….
I remember when we first met. You of course, always the prankster, had me waiting for our introduction. Did you know I lied and told all the girls at school we had already met so that I wouldn’t be the last one? It made me embarrassed then, but now I know it’s because you had a special first appearance in mind, didn’t you! Was it the white pants that drew you to me? Or was it because I was in a public park and you love a good laugh? You were so sneaky too! I didn’t even know you had arrived until I got home and went to take a piss, but I bet a lot of other people knew it just by looking at my backside huh? Youuuuu. I remember it so well because I didn’t just meet you for the first time that day. I also met Tampon, and really, I officially met my Vagina that day as well. We all had sooome party in the bathroom that afternoon didn’t we? Ahhh, good times. I look back at these times and almost forget about the ‘down days’ you’ve caused me, which is really the reason I’m writing you this letter in the first place….
Look, I know I owe you for feeding my kids in utero and all, but when I think of how many times you’ve been a bastard to me, I’d say we’re pretty goddamn even. A surprise laugh is fine once in a while, but do you know how much fucking money you owe me in underwear??? AND sheets?!?! AND towels!?!?! Sometimes I really think that your goal in life is to embarrass me and put me in the poor house. Oh, and by the way, all those times I was doubled over in excruciating pain… I knew it wasn’t indigestion but YOU cramping the shit out of me. Cute. Very cute. Then there’s the whole jealousy thing. You have many times ruined my sex life by popping by at completely the wrong moments. You are so rude and possessive that I have a ton of respect for any man who would turn the other cheek and put up with your fucking presence in the bed room. Asshole. Every fucking month I’ve had to deal with you. In fact, just the thought that you’re coming over makes me anxious and angry! People tease me about it, but I don’t find it very funny…. You probably do though. You probably get a real kick out of the way that I lash out at everyone around me all because of YOU, you ATTENTION WHORE! And you don’t even take me anywhere or buy me anything…. ever! In fact, it is I that always ends up spending money on YOU when you’re around. Do you think tampons are cheap?? And pads?? AND LINERS???????? Lets add it to the underwear towels and sheets and see YOU pay that fucking bill DEADBEAT!
God I really hate you. Which brings me to the point of this letter.
I’ve had enough bloating while you’re gloating. I’m done, I’ve put up with you long enough and I just can’t take one more month of you!!! There was a day I dreamed about your arrival, but now? Now I pray for your departure. Your services are no longer need here. I’m officially “closing up shop” and I’m afraid you’ve GOT TO GO. You can keep being your regular asshole self, just NOT HERE. So, I’m gonna need you to pack up your shit and get the fuck out of my life. I will grant you one last swan song because frankly, there’s no other way for you to go but then THAT’S IT. I never want to see your bloody face EVER AGAIN! You hear me?!?! We’re done, I hate you, now LEAVE.
You ungrateful BITCH! You would be NOTHING without me. All the money in the WORLD couldn’t pay for what I’ve given your selfish ass. You want me to leave so bad??? MAKE ME SLUT….. oh, and I know just how much of a slut you are, or are we forgetting?? And the times you didn’t feel like being a slut?? Who bailed you out?!! Who?!?! Or are we FORGETTING THAT TOO??? AND swim class, and I even fucking bailed you out of WORK many times!!!!! Like I said, you may be done with me, but I aint done with YOU and I aint goin’ NOWHERE.
You sadistic, creepy, uterine STALKER! I can see this isn’t going to go nicely. You’ll be sorry for this.
OOOOO I’m SO SCARED. You got me shaking in YOUR UTERUS. Listen carefully, here’s a little FYI for ya, me and menopause are TIGHT. So, if you think I’M bad, just wait until I give my girl Meno a call. If you don’t slow your roll…. you’ll be PRAYING for CRAMPS over the HOT FLASHES we got in store for you…. so chill the fuck out, and step away from Seasonique bitch, or YOU’RE the one who’s gonna be sorry.
-Your worst nightmare.
So that was the letter I got yesterday, and frankly, I’m a little scared.