Your body is trying to tell you something but you’re too fucking busy to see it!
Let’s all put our whiskeys down and get connected ’cause if I notice it, you’ve gone and neglected your shit for too fucking long.
Check yourself, your body wants you to.
Here’s a reference for you with some FAQs on
What your body may be telling YOU:
Constantly digging in your sock drawer for a pair of socks without holes in the toes?
That’s your foot’s way of telling you you need a motherfuckin’ pedi. Those ‘aint holes, they’re goddamn gore marks from those talons you call nails. Scratch up a ten spot (pun totally fucking intended) and bring your kids if you have to, just GO before you wake up with shredded sheets or casualties in your bed in the morning.
there may be times you want to kill your man, but do you really want it to go down like THAT??
Do you run your nylons by just simply putting them on?
That’s your legs crying out for you to wax them bitches. And if you don’t wax, then shave em, and if you don’t shave, then get a motherfucking blow torch. Depending on the method, leg hair removal can be costly, but in the long run (another motherfuckin pun) it’ll pay for itself in the form of pantyhose replacement costs, and trips to the ER for your kid’s stab wounds from that razor sharp stubb.
You don’t want to be Star Magazine’s next Yeti sighting… do you?
When you look in the mirror, do you often wonder how it is your updo has unintentionally gone the way of the
That’s called grease and it your hair’s way of BEGGING you to WASH IT. Remember in the old days when bitches used to deny a date ’cause they had to wash their hair? Yeah, well YOU need to turn down movie/date night tonight, take a hint, and wash THAT SHIT. Jheri Curl slick on a white bitch ‘aint cute…. matter fact it ‘aint cute on ANYONE unless you’re Rick James, which you ‘aint bitch. Besides, you don’t want your locks to be more buttery then your popcorn now do you? Oh, and if you’re gonna leave a wet spot, don’t make it on the back of your movie chair.
You ‘aint Rick James bitch.
Does your clean-cut man ever look like Black Beard the Pirate when he goes down on you?
Well… if that motherfucker has to brave the Black Forest just to reach the man in the boat, he deserves a goddamn medal. Your hooha won’t tell you it needs some bushwacking but it WILL tell you it needs some motherfucking attention, bite the fucking bullet and clean between the lines. Feeling bitter? Want to leave it wild down there as some sort of punishment for your man? Listen, I get it, I can be a heartless bitch too but just remember, ultimately YOU will benefit most from this landscaping** then him.
Remember, YOU are your HOOHA’S ONLY ADVOCATE.
Although my little reference guide stops here, there are MANY more things your body is trying to tell you….
YOU JUST NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN.
I hope this was a good jump start for you though, and on that note, MY grumbling stomach is my ASS’S way of telling me it needs to be FATTER so I’m gonna go grab some leftovers and take care of that. Ciao.
** Tip: for extra hooha attention try landscaping your shit in the shape of your man’s initials, be careful though, doing this while drunk could result in undesirable effects including some other dude’s initials which will subsequently result in some ‘splaining to do.