Itchy Bitches

Feeling itchy?
Although there are many different kinds of itches there is typically
one
thing that unites them all:
They are all for the most part,  beyond your control.  
So, Where do they come from?  Why do they happen? 
And more importantly,
what is the best way to scratch ’em?  Well, I think I kinda have it figured out, and here it is:

Top Five Itch List, What They Mean, and Their Scratchy Solutions

1.The Sneeze Foreplay Itch — You know the one.  The nose tickle that lasts forever.  The one where you look like an idiot for 30+ seconds before you actually sneeze.  Mouth all open, nose in the air.  People are already ‘God Blessing’ your ass in anticipation.  And usually, the dumber your face looks, the bigger the sneeze(s).

What it means — It can mean a couple of things, usually though, it signifies the onset of either a cold or allergy season and so therefore carries with it  notions of fear and disdain.

What you can do —  Well I can’t tell you what to do about your allergies, but I CAN give you a suggested way to eradicate The Sneeze Foreplay Itch.  It sounds and looks very cliche but putting your finger under your nose actually works!  Must be some kind of  physics thing involving air, gravity and boogers.  Of course you look like an even bigger dummy but in the long run, your co-workers will thank you for not spraying them with snot, spit and germs.

2. The Sneak Attack Smack In the Middle of Your Back Itch —  I’m not a religious person, but I am absolutely convinced that this is God’s way of being a turd.  (I see you laughing up there...)  I mean why else would that shit just come out of nowhere?  And it’s never a little tiny itch either, it’s always mega intense.  Did I mention it’s physically impossible to reach as well?  Seriously, it’s like licking your elbow, or seeing your ears… I mean unless you’re in Cirque Du Soleil and can bend your ass in half, your fucked.

What it means — As I said earlier, it’s a cruel joke of some higher power, and if not a ‘joke’ it’s gotta be like a mini-karma thing.  Nothing big like what would happen to you if you killed a puppy.  More like not telling someone their skirt’s stuck in their panty hose.

What you can do — Well, the best scenario to be in if this should happen to you is with a close friend or family member.  Y’know, someone you don’t mind asking to do the deed for you.  Asking a stranger can make you look a bit like a primadonna though, so try and avoid.  The second best thing would be to have some kind of arm extender. It doesn’t have to be a back-scratcher per say, it can be something as simple as a pen or even a chopstick should you coincidentally be in a Chinese restaurant.  If you’re alone though, I’m sorry to say, you have no other choice then to use the Grizzly Technique of rubbing your back vigorously on a tree, building or other rough surface.  You will find your mother-in-law’s 5 o’clock shadow works nicely for this.

3.  The Bottom of the Boot Foot Itch —  This one is very closely related to the previously mentioned Middle of Your Back Itch in that it strikes you mysteriously and is extremely annoying.  It is always in the middle of your instep right on the sole of your foot, and to make matters worse, it almost always occurs when you’re wearing a boot or other lace-up  complicated footwear.  It is not quite as bad as the Back Itch though, because you can actually reach it by yourself …. it just takes a little maneuvering.

What it means — Well, it can either be a karma/God joke thing, or it can simply be something not so esoteric, like say, a little piece of crud that got caught in your sock and is now, after walking around a bit, becoming a big pain in your ass.  The fact that it usually occurs whilst wearing inconvenient footwear however, suggests the former. (Yo!  I said I see you laughing up there!!)

What you can do — Well, unfortunately, there’s no getting around this one.  You actually have to stop what your doing and take of your goddamn shoe.  Sticking anything down the boot risks running your stockings, and besides, you can never make that 90 degree turn to get to the sole of your foot.  So just bite the bullet, find a discreet place, and hope you wearing a presentable sock.  And if you’re not, fuck it.  Nothing beats that feeling of relief you get from getting in a thorough scratch session.

4. The Vicarious Cootie Itch A.K.A. The Mind Fuck Itch — Now THIS itch is quite evil.  I say this because well, it’s not even a real itch.  Meaning it cannot be squelched by a simple scratch.  This is the itch that happens when you get a letter from your kids school informing you that someone has LICE.  This is the itch that happens when you see a BED BUG commercial.  THIS is the itch that happens when you’re watching the shower scene in ARACHNOPHOBIA.  Let me expound. In the case of the lice letter,  you’re affected immediately  in your head, for the others, it can be an entire body experience.  It’s precursor is usually that “YEEeeEEeee” chill, you know, when your teeth clench and you get the shudder thing.  Then you feel one little itch, and another, and before you know it, you have psychosomatically given yourself whatever it was you were thinking in your mind.  It’s totally contagious too.  All you have to do is mention the said creepy crawly to a friend and… BAM!! now they have the Vicarious Cootie Itch too …. dang, I think I’m getting a case of it just by writing this…

What it means — It means that you have had some kind of personal cootie run-in or some kind of creepy crawly phobia… or both.  Don’t be ashamed though, it’s more common then you may think… in fact, I have yet to encounter a person who has never experienced this particular kind of itch…. and if they say they haven’t, they’re lying.

What you can do — Because, as I said earlier, this is a Mind Fuck Itch, you have to get your mind the fuck out of it.  In other words, distract, distract, DISTRACT!  Now, since we’re all parents here this should be easy.  I mean, we’re all practiced in the art of distraction otherwise how else would we get toddlers to do what we want?  You’re gonna get a fight if you say “NO, you can’t” to a toddler but if you’re smart, you’ll go with the old “Look at the birdie!! Look at the birdie!!” trick in order to lure them where you want them.  It’s like the carrot and the stubborn mule — he won’t go if you pull him but if you have a good enough di
straction
, he’ll follow your lead.  So if your brain is caught with images of bed bugs sucking your blood as you sleep, just push in pictures of puppies and chocolate and in no time, you’ll be cured!

5. The Time For Another One Itch — This one’s a fucking DOOZY.  Now, did you think I wasn’t going to have a MOMMY reference in this whole list??? C’mon, this IS PaRANThood after all isn’t it???  So, let’s talk about this one.   This One More Baby Itch is the most dangerous itch of them all.  It usually happens when your youngest child is about 2 1/2 – 3 years old.  It’s a very complex and convoluted itch because it is very real in your mind AND body, and yet, it is completely ILLOGICAL.  It can be particularly provoked by being in the company of infants.  On rare occasions, it can even be husband influenced.  While it’s happening though, it can have very profound physical effects such as spontaneous lactation, and yet it has a creeper quality, allowing itself to periodically withdraw following good self-rationalizing session.  But not unlike that weird creeper dude in that photo at your friends birthday, it’s always there, waiting, whether you see it at the time or not.  And if you succumb… it’s effects last your entire fucking life.

What it means — Well, it means unfortunately, that you’re a pretty normal chick. Us moms are the ultimate dichotomy.  The first half being, that since you’re a mother once already, you are familiar with all of the lovely aspects that accompany the act of nurturing.  The tender moments you’ve experienced now draw you back, like a drug.  The satisfaction and contentment of a newborn babe asleep in your arms is unmatchable.  The smell, the feel, the warmth… it’s all completely enticing, and has somehow slipped away with the toddler you once cradled who is now a mouthy jerk. You yearn for that same closeness.  You so enjoyed wrapping a tiny child almost completely inside yourself that you have almost forgotten    that.    other.     part….. That other half of the dichotomy.  That suck ass part that after considering and rehashing,  has many times kept The Itch at bey and is somehow STILL so much a part of us.  I don’t know just how they derived the word MOM from the word MOTHER, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t.  I believe the word MOM is an acronym for Master Of Masochism.   There’s this kind of worrier pride thing that goes along with being a mom isn’t there?  It’s like we’re on Survivor.  We go through the harshness that is pregnancy, allowing our bodies to take a beating, then birth (have some more!) then all the shit that happens after…in fact, sometimes I even think we have a secret need for this part too…. (I STILL see you laughing up there by the way…  NOW CUT IT OUT!!)

What you can do — Believe it or not, the answer is simple.  Well, maybe straight forward is a better term…  There are three ways to go in this situation.  a) You can succumb to the Itch and have another child.  I have done this once, and at times have wanted to fucking kill myself, but overall, I regret nothing.  b) You can override the itch using some strong will power and eventually when your child gets older and you become an actual real person again you just might be grateful you made that decision… but beware, there is no guarantee it will not rear it’s head again….
 or 3) Get a fucking DOG.  After the  second time  that Itch crept up on my ass, I got a dog.  He’s about as tall as my two year old and very cute.  He completely fulfills my need to nurture and cuddle, just without the stretchmarks or the sitters.  I still gotta deal with a little piss and poo, but at this point, that’s a cake walk.

Well I hope that was not only enjoyable but informative, and now, here are some “Itches” that didn’t make the list but definitely deserve an honorable mention…

The Seven Year Itch
The Teenage I Knew I Shouldn’t Have Slept With That  Guy Crotch Itch
The I Wanna Go Out, Get Drunk And Dance Itch

and finally,

The This Cast Fucking Sucks Itch



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s