I’m having an “I Hate My Life” moment.   Ok, let me re-phrase that so I can breathe without screaming…  I’m having an “I Hate My Life Right Now” moment. 

The kids, the husband, the messy house, they’re all closing in on me.  Every “Mommy!!” feels like a piranha bite.  The mess in each room is morphing in to quicksand, pulling me deeper in to piles of play food and Duplo blocks.   The stroller is a giant tower, piled high with coats not hung up because the closet itself has become a dangerous avalanche zone.  The husband is questioning me about dinner and the defrosted chicken that’s sitting warm on the counter.  
“How long has it been out?” “Are you sure it’s still good?” “Did you forget to put it in the fridge?” 
The cat has just knocked down the plant spraying soil all over the floor — I think what a good fur stole he would make as I sit on my hands and knees picking up pieces of pearlite.
“Sign my homework!” “Give me juicebox!” “Are you making broccoli?!” “MOMMY!!!” “Meeooooww!!”  AARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!


I feel like running away, maybe under the cloak of night… Yeah, that’s IT!! I’ll steal away quietly while the monsters are sleeping.  Tip-toeing over toys I will slowly open the front door.  A thin stripe of light from the buildings hallway will slice through the dark living room.  My final vision as I back silently out of the house will be of the  cat lazily opening one eye just in time to be the sole witness of my departure….
I’ll flip him the bird.  


Fuck you cat.

With just some money and a small bag of clothes, I’ll  catch a yellow checker cab.  The driver will have a newsboy cap, some serious 5 o’clock shadow, and will be chewing what’s left of a cigar nub in the corner of his mouth.
“Where ya headed Miss?”  he’ll ask over his shoulder in a thick Brooklyn accent.
“The airport.” I’ll respond without even a pause. It’ll be raining lightly. 

I can see myself at the counter now.  Like in the movies when someone goes to the airport and just picks some far away destination blindly from the departure board — It’ll be a place I can’t pronounce.

 The lady at the desk will ask me “Round trip Ma’am?” and I’ll just look at her all snarky… 
“One way.” I’ll say, with a determined look and slap down the money.  I’ll wear a kerchief on my head and some big black sunglasses even if it IS night… maybe some red lipstick.  I’ll seem nervous — like I’m running from the law. 

Maybe I’ll find a small bar in the terminal and sip a dry martini while a mysterious and handsome traveler eyes me.  He should have a hat  …. a fedora. 
He’ll ask me where I’m headed but before I can answer…
“Flight 753 is now boarding… Flight 753 is now boarding” the monotone voice will echo throughout the terminals. 
“I’ll let you know when I get there..” will be my response.  With a last gulp I’ll finish the martini, push a twenty across the bar and grab my little suitcase.
“Keep the change.”


Yeah, something like that….

I can feel the mysterious traveler’s eyes on my back as I make my way to the gate.  I’ll give my boarding pass to the attendant and start the long walk down the ramp towards the plane’s open hatch.  There will be a moment where I’ll glance over my shoulder as if having  second thoughts…. is that a tear..?  No, just some dust.  The slim male attendant greets me at the hatch.

“Hello ma’am, let’s see.. ahh yes, that’s 11B straight down on your left.”
I’ll find my seat and as I push my suitcase in to the overhead compartment a strong hand comes up over my shoulder from what seems out of nowhere, giving my bag the last shove it needs to shimmy in to the cramped space.

Swirling around I come face to face with the mysterious handsome traveler….
“You never did tell me where you were headed….”

Then BAM something hits me in the head!!  I’m seeing stars… no, not stars, I’m seeing, rainbows….. no, just one rainbow…… a rainbow of crayons as the box of Crayolas fall from my 6 year old’s top bunk  crashing down on my head….
Shit. Oh well, who was I kidding?  At least I got away for a minute, even if it was only in my mind.

Gimme the phone, we’re having pizza tonight….

5 thoughts on “ESCAPE!!

  1. I don’t think there is a mother alive who hasn’t had a similar imaginary escape and if she says no she’s lying LOL That’s what movies are for!

  2. Brilliant! I remember my mother saying the EXACT SAME thing, to my Dad. And then she would tell us right to our faces, “I’m going to run away.” And we were pretty well-bahaved. It did make us think twice about any of our bullshit demands, and recognize that she’s a human being without unlimited patience and energy. HOWEVER, decades later, she has 2 wonderful older kids with rich, happy personal lives, and I think it brings her much joy and satisfaction. So hang on babe!! xo

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