Monthly Archives: November 2012

A PaRANThood Thanksgiving Wish…

This year’s gonna be different
revelation of sorts,
While the bitches are cooking, 
And the dudes watching sports.

It’s all been worked out…I’ve planned what to say,
I’m switching it up, in a “Shit Got Real” way…

When the family is beckoned, to the table to sit,
And they all go around, getting sappy and shit:

“I’m thankful for love.”

“I’m thankful for friends.”

“I’m thankful for family, and the time that we spend.”

“I’m thankful for life, and all that it’s taught me.”

“I’m thankful for kids, and the joys they have brought me.”

“Isn’t life grand?”

“Isn’t life great?”

Well, it’d be better if we did this shit AFTER we ate…

But nonetheless, when they get up to me,
I’m sayin’ “I’m thankful for sex and money.”

“Yeah, my kids are great, and I’m happy for health,
but it would nary exist without fornication and wealth.”

I’m sure brows will knit,
I’m sure teeth will gnash,
But I’ll continue my speech about “Fucking and Cash.”

“Keep pouring it on, this mush by the bucket,
But we’d be dining on Ramen if it weren’t for ducketts.
And if Nana and Papa did not get it on,
You wouldn’t be here to sing holiday songs.”

It’s the basics that count, and for that shit I care,
Or else this table’d be empty, this table’d be bare!

When the Pilgrims jacked the Natives 
For twenty-four bucks,
Did they “Give Thanks”? 
Or did they give zero fucks?

Did Native Americans say, after peace pipe puffin’
“Yo, yo, it’s all good, let’s just have turkey and stuffin’!”

What’s the big picture?  What is it worth?
Well, there ‘aint shit for free
‘Aint no virginal births.

‘Ain’t no politicians singin’ Kum ba yah,
‘Ain’t no wish granted, cause you made it on a star.
‘Aint no handouts, no free boosts on the ladder,
Just holidays like this, making Hallmark cats fatter.

Frankly, all that shit doesn’t matter to me,
We should be all just grateful for cheese and nookie.

I’ll raise my glass, in the end and say “Word…
now close your mouths bitches, and cut up that bird.”


Pooters and Pee Pees

A touchy subject?  Well, maybe but since I really just don’t know how to tip-toe around shit, fuck it, here it goes:

Private Parts.

Why the hell is it the only part of our kids bodies we give a nick-name to? We tell them they’re ‘private’, we tell them to ‘cover ’em up’, we tell them not to ‘talk about them in public’ yet we give privates a cutesy-ass little name….

I mean “Weeeeeee!!” Isn’t that what they say when they go down a really fun slide?? 

Yeah, but ‘don’t talk about your wee wee’, and definitely ‘don’t touch it while you’re going down the slide!!!’ 

Vagina — there are SO MANY names I won’t even pick one, but most of the ones I’ve heard sound either like the name of a cute cartoon character or a childhood pet, we call it “ToTo” over here for instance… Wizard of Fucking Oz anyone?? 

So why do we do this? 

Are we that uptight about kids discovering their privates that our coping mechanism to deal with the ’embarrassment’ of something that is totally normal is to buffer it with a word like “pooter”? 

Are we ‘naming’ privates for THEIR sake or is it something that makes US feel safer? 

Are we afraid that if our three year old says ‘penis’ in public they will come off as knowing something about sex in some way? 

Do we think that our daughters using the word ‘vagina’ sexualizes them in some way? 

Does this image make YOU feel uncomfortable?  

We don’t approve of attention being brought to their private parts but we seem to single out those parts at the same time. 

I’m not sitting here with any answers. I just was thinking about why, we as parents, can be so different in so many ways as far as how we choose to raise our kids, yet do so many of the same funny things… 

I guess there IS one thing that connects many of us……….. the society we live in… tell me, what does that say about our society??

Just a little something to ponder.

One more thing I need to get off my chest…completely unrelated, and in fact, it’s bothers me waaay more then nick-naming private parts.

Since when the fuck are we supposed to give out party bags on our own kids birthdays???? When I was growing up, going to a birthday party was awesome enough. I would have NEVER expected to get a gift on someone ELSES birthday! 

It’s fucking bad enough that birthday parties have gotten so ridiculously expensive, and now I’m supposed to organize all these games and activities AND give these buggers a gift bag at MY kids party?!?!? 

Happy birthday to YOU! Now, whatcha get US??

FUCK THAT. Ok, I’m done.