Monthly Archives: May 2012


“It’s not FAIR!”

No other words rattle around the rooms of my home as often as these three do.  From sibling to sibling and back again it’s like heretical head lice.  Not only hard to get rid of, but one of the most dissident childhood whines of them all.  If it had ears, it would only be so that it’s fingers could plug them while it’s big fat fucking mouth shouted:


It’s spit fiercely from small mouths, this threadbare yammering of “IT’S NOT FAIR!”,  and it isn’t intended to be some “Sibling Declaration of War” as much as it’s intended to be a fugazi “Cry for Justice”,  hopefully reaching tall enough to grate upon the eardrums of any and all household higher-ups… namely: YOU.

It’s the tired ass tattletale of a child begging their parents to jump up and suddenly swath themselves in the cloaks of justice, string around their necks the whistles of refs, and come running to set shit straight by restoring all fairness to the world…and by “world”, I mean playroom… and by “fairness”, I mean in their fucking favor. 

But you protest:

“Being fair is good.”  

“Being fair is RIGHT!”  

And that’s when I say:

“Being fair is imfuckingpossible.”

Listen, accomplishing “fairness” between siblings is assuming that siblings are the same. Of the same mind, of the same body.  Identical ages, identical feelings, identical needs……. SHIT, even IDENTICAL TWINS don’t work that way.  Not to mention, you know what happens when you ASS U ME.

Kids AREN’T THE SAME and it’s subtly proven every time you say things like:

“No little one, you can’t ‘have a bike toooooooo’ because you can’t even STAND ON ONE FOOT YET… like, at all.


“She gets to sit in my lap because she’s still little and you’re not!  You want me to put a goddamn diaper on you too??

Sound familiar?  Sound frustrating?  Sound ENDLESS?  
Well, it is.

It’s ENDLESS because as you’ve learned by getting shit on in one way or another….LIFE IS, UNFUCKINGFAIR.  This is a piece of valuable knowledge that can only be gained by life experience... something children have NONE OF.

There’s cute techniques of course, that try to assist you in bringing equality to your kids lives.  You got that whole “I cut, you choose” shit, but really, it only works on limited levels of sibling life, mostly involving slices of cake, peanut butter sandwiches, and lengths of lanyard. Out of all of these types of sayings, the only one that is at all useful in my opinion is “You get what you get and you don’t get upset.” I use this often because basically, it’s a cutesy, rhyming way of saying:“Tough shit.” Right. Up. My. Alley.

When it comes to dispelling the myth of fairness, what’s a parent to do?

Well, here’s MY solution:

I think that it’s more productive to point out all the unfairness of the world that happens to us as adults on a daily basis because even though I’ve TOLD my kids that  “Life is Unfair” (about a fofillion times),  the looks on their skeptical mini-faces tell me, they aint really buyin’ it.


Go ahead, tell them that that lady just got a free coffee ’cause the coffee man thinks she’s prettier than the lady in front of her… the one he just  OVER charged.

Tell them that that Sarah Mclachlan bitch is pissed because wretched people treat animals like shit and don’t spay and neuter their pets like Bob Barker told ’em to……(God rest his ‘Come on DOOOWN’ soul.)

Tell them that rich kids have more shit than they do because they’re rich, but that they sit ho
me and cry because their iPads can’t tickle ’em till they fart like YOU do.

Tell them that Grandma’s not here because she died and even though it sucks,  death is a part of life.  Tell them you KNOW it’s unfair that they don’t have a grandma now, and tell them it’s even MORE unfair to YOU who doesn’t have a MOM.

Tell them whatever the fuck you want, just don’t be afraid to let them know that not getting their way is important to experience because…

C’est la vie, c’est la guerre, life is unfuckingfair.

Happy Mother’s Day, Now Fuck Off.

Roses? Breakfast? I love Mother’s Day!

You guys are so sweet, now go the fuck away.
It’s MY day, you hear that? 
That’s right, ME not YOU,
And I got a whole list of ‘Fuck Off’s I’m ready to do:

Hey toilet with shit stains, and you, laundry too!
Read my lips bitches, it’s MY day — FUCK YOU.
To the layers of dust chillaxin’ on shelves,
Hooray! You can stay one more day..

Messes in dressers, clothes that need folding,
Smelly cat litter,  kids who need scolding,
Mother-In-Law, Husband,  and any others I scoff,
Listen very carefully, read my lips —  FUCK OFF.

I aint’ doin’ shit, not moving ONE inch.
So kids, bother your Father if you’re stuck in a pinch.
For 364 days, I put myself last,
So for the next 24 hours, you can all kiss my ass.

Hey dishes, and dirt, hey bread with mold,
Hey stains on kids shirts, and bed sheets to fold,
Hey garbage, hey floors, 
Hey grocery stores!
Hey toys, hey closets, 
Hey rust and lime deposits,
Hey phone calls, hey cooking, 
Yo, vacuum,  you too!
It’s Mother’s Day bitches, so guess what? 

Wanna make Mommy happy?
How about peace and quiet?
It’s not hard to FUCK OFF,
So ahead, try it!

Hubs, do me a favor, take these kids far from home,
The best gift you can give me is to leave me alone.

I’m taking this day, the whole damn thing.
You see, I paid in advance when I put on this ring.
When I pushed those kids right outta my twat. 
When I worked my hands to the bone for diddley-squat.
I don’t get no checks,  no paid vacations,
No Human Resources, no Customer Relations.
All I get paid, is this one lowly day,
So thanks again for the roses,
Now go the fuck away.

Happy Mother’s Day!
Fuck off.


My Ode To Scrappy Girls.

Scrappy girls.  I fucking love them.  Ponytails loose and all askew. Dirty scabby knees.  Shorts and sneakers with frayed laces, untied and trailing.  Tree climbing, tag playing, ball throwing, dirt digging, bug collecting, SCRAPPY GIRLS.  

The only thing that I don’t like about them is the title they’re given: “Tom Boys”.  

Yup, another goddamn double standard.  

Suck a dick society.

More loaded than an NRA convention, the term “Tom Boy” is a backhanded compliment that’s as overused as it is outdated.

“Girls who like sports more then dresses?” 

“Girls who prefer pixie cuts to pigtails?”

“Girls who’d rather play with balls than dolls?”

Girls who don’t act like GIRLS?

Ahhh.  We shall call them BOYS…….TOM BOYS.


Should we call boys who enjoy dolls or dress-up (as many do) oh, I dunno…


I do believe that there are inherent differences between boys and girls. And I love that shit.


I love how many young boys I have met and know have direct perceptions that don’t allow for much time wallowing in the emotional.  This “In The Moment” purity is so off the hook that their transition from BOY to    SuperHero/Wrestler/Airplane/Ninja/Whatever Screams and Hits is as seamless as a fucking tube sock.

“Take your rings and shove ’em up your ass Wonder Twins!!  I got a towel around my neck and some shiny ass boxers!! Watch out, ‘cuz Immabout to fuck you and your purple tights UP!!!  RAWR!!”

Oh yeah.

Now let’s talk about GIRLS. 

First off, I was one before I grew into a bitch.  

Secondly, I have a sister who, as a girl, blessed me with many important life lessons including “How to not cry like a fucking pussy when being punched in the face”.  

Last but not least, I contributed to the female population by shooting two more out of my very own girl parts.

After all this, I think I can safely say, girls as I know them…. 
are annoyingly complex.  

It’s nobody’s fault.  Like salmon swimming upstream or spit on a cowlick, girls are a dichotomy. They want to be instinctually who they are yet are confined to the societal space that has been predetermined for them.  

There are just too many insecurities hovering around their heads.

As I said earlier, and shall reiterate: 

Suck a dick society.

Girls are bullied by pressures that are weird and constant.  For as many times as you try to be the “strong woman role model”, consciously making the “anti-girlie-girl” selection, picking “The Boy” to play in Chutes and Ladders or favoring Barbie’s brown haired friend (what the hell is her name anyway?) , I many times feel as though I’m fighting a fucked up Robotic, Pink Hello Kitty System… 

It’s all bigger than me.

At their most candid, without the scourge of the Disney princess locusts blinding their behavior,  I have found my girls to be: complex, competitive, emotional, introspective, intuitive, and analytical.

So, are boys and girls inherently different? Yes.  

Should their differences be obstructive to any activity in the world they would like to pursue INCLUDING kicking a Wonder Twin’s motherfucking ass??  
Not. At. All.

So back to my inspiration for writing this blog..
Guess what Disney!?  

Scrappy girls from around the world didn’t get your fucking memo.  

Know what else?! “Tom Boys” are still ALL GIRL, and so much more. 

They could care less about Ariel because their mission is so much more meaningful.   It’s about being who THEY are………….

knocked out tooth and all.

So hey you, scrappy girl sitting outside the principal’s office…

You, scrappy girl with the broke knuckles and freckles,

You, scrappy girl with the cornrows and overalls,

You, scrappy girl who had to show and prove….

That’s a strong lil girl right there. Could MY daughter do THAT? Could YOURS?

Here’s to you and your rugged innocence!  

It won’t be long before the pressures of the world have you
“K-I-S-S-I-N-G”, after your knobby knees have climbed those trees….  

Sooo, before you relinquish your naive power… 

Before you fall in love with a boy make sure you…  

“Boys Catch Girls” FIRST!!!

Shut the fuck up and hold my doll.

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